It seems like we often struggle to express ourselves effectively when our emotions are high. Whether a parent is upset with their child for lying about where they’ve been or someone who doesn’t feel their partner is listening to them. Or maybe when it’s been a bad day, the stress is high, and anything can set you off.

We all get like this sometimes and that can be a recipe for disaster when you still need to have a hard conversation with someone, and it can make the task more daunting. While it might be easier in the moment to avoid the conversation, avoidance is rarely helpful, especially when there are rules you can follow to navigate even the most difficult of conversations. The following are some helpful tips on how to avoid escalated conflict, from the Aerie Healthcare clinical team based on their collective years of experience working with teens and families:

Establish the Rules

1. Why am I Upset? Before you start a conversation, ask yourself “what is it that I am really upset about?” Very often, what started out as a simple issue can turn into a whole lot of past frustrations bubbling to the surface. How often have you had an argument about who left the living room a mess that quickly shifted to pointing out every messy thing the person has ever done? Take some time to think about what is really bothering you and your own feelings behind it versus bringing up the laundry list of resentments.

2. One Topic at a Time. Going off of Rule #1, stick to one topic. If what you need to resolve is who is responsible for taking out the trash, then stick to that topic. Going off topic often leads to a more heated conversation. And that runs the risk of not solving the original issue.

3. No Insults. Have you ever gotten into an argument, and before you know it, you are focusing on the person and not the problem? When we feel upset or unheard, it can be too easy to attack someone’s character and further detract from the issue at hand. It’s an unhealthy way to express uncomfortable feelings and it’s an attempt to make the other person feel as bad as you do. No name-calling, no swearing, and no focusing on someone’s character traits can keep the focus on the problem, not the person.

4. Use Your Words. If you have ever been in any therapeutic setting, you may have heard the phrase “use an I Feel statement”. While that may get an eye roll, it really is a powerful communication tool to express how you are feeling and own your own emotions. Think about it. What would you rather be on the receiving end of: I feel nervous when you yell or Your yelling is out of control and it’s your fault I’m upset.

5. Take Turns Talking. Boy, is this one easier said than done! When you have a lot to say, it can be really difficult to wait your turn, or not interrupt in order to express your point. When we are more focused on what we want to say, we miss an opportunity to really listen to someone else. The intention is to try and understand each other, even if you disagree. Feeling misunderstood often fosters more hurt.

6. No Stonewalling. What is stonewalling? Essentially, it is the refusal to communicate (i.e. the silent treatment). Whether it’s because you are completely overwhelmed and shut down, or because you are trying to “teach the other person a lesson” by retreating, the only guarantee from this tactic is that the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will just feel more upset. So what do you do instead? That leads to the next rule!

7. Take a Break! Taking space can sometimes be confused as avoidance. But really it’s quite the opposite. If things are getting too heated, too personal, or you’re having trouble following these rules, it is 100% ok to take a break. Taking an intentional break gives some time to calm down and focus on what your role in the escalation of the argument was. It gives time to reflect on where things got off track, and how to pivot back to the original point

8. Attempt to Come to a Compromise. Arguments can get messy. Instead of continuing to try and “get your way”, coming to a compromise can soothe the uncomfortable emotions and attempt to move forward with a resolution. And in those times that a compromise can’t be reached, taking the time to understand the other person's perspective can have a positive impact on the relationship.

Remember that conflict is part of our human experience! It will happen, so all we can do is our best to control our actions and responses in order to avoid escalation for everyone’s sake. No one is perfect, so when you realize that you may not have responded perfectly, take responsibility, forgive yourself, and try to do better next time. If the other person responded poorly, don’t take it personally, it probably isn’t about you, and try your best to forgive them as they may actually need your compassion.